May 2006- brother Billy beaten to death outside a bar. Face smashed with a cinder block and wasn’t found until the next day. Had to be identified by his tattoos by his twin brother Bobby.
August 2006- transferred to Epcot. A clean slate, a fresh start, a new beginning.
February 2008- served foreclosure papers on our house. Chris is on a business trip for 3 weeks and I stress out about potentially having to find a place to live and pack an entire house by myself.
June 2008- good timing, a friend moves out of a house and we move in. Big house, big rent, big stress.
January 2009-moved into small townhouse just down the road. Downsized belongings, sold things I liked but just had no room for.
October 2009-after a month of rearranging our house and life to accommodate my sick dog, I finally give in and realize that putting him to sleep is the best thing for him. He was one week away from turning 14 and I had him from the day he was born. Chris took me to Epcot to distract me, didn’t work. Xanax and Food & Wine Festival caused me to have a breakdown I barely remember, I just remember saying “I killed my son today” a lot.
July 2010- my 40th birthday and I realized I’m no longer a kid, but a middle aged fag. The mid-life crisis begins.
August 2010- rear ended on way to work. 5 cars total in accident, but mine is the worst, squished/totalled. Panic about trying to find a car with insurance money, a friends dad helps and sells me a car. The red convertible reinforces my mid life crisis.
July 2011- after nearly 2 years, i felt i was ready to have a dog again. I adopted a dog from the animal shelter. He was to be put to sleep that weekend and I rescued him. It was the best spent $55 ever, I saved 2 lives, his and mine. He gave me something to focus on and made me happy.
November 2011- lost my Dad to lung cancer. He was 80 years old. I was pretty much numb as I went through the motions of going through belongings, the funeral, and my return to work. This was also the beginning of lots of changes in my work area.
December 2011- busy at work and long hours/extra days, somewhat helped to keep me distracted. Christmas Eve morning. I decided to do some last minute shopping and got in a fender bender less than a mile from the house. Got it settled then continued to Walmart in a haze, just wandering the store aimlessly. On the verge of just sitting on the floor in the middle of the store crying, I just abandon my cart with everything in it and go out to my car. Completely overwhelmed, I start crying in the car for 15 minutes, the beginning of another breakdown.
January 2012- Physically I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been (175lbs) and mentally I’m worn out. The smallest minor problem and I blow it out of proportion. I turn mole hills into mountains. I shut out the world, i put my headphones on and go to bed by 7pm. I realize I need help in more ways than one. I contact Employee Assistance and set up to meet with a counselor. When I meet her, I become a blubbering mess for 30 minutes as I just let everything out. Crying and spilling my life history. She sets up an appointment with a doctor.
February 2012- after meeting with and conversing with (not crying) the doctor, we both agree that I should take some medication to help me. A bright note is that my sister came to visit for a week and it was the best I felt in a while, but after she left, I missed her and fell back to my old feelings. Add to that even more changes at work and I’ve become a roller coaster of emotions. My car’s battery died before work one morning and Chris tried to help with using his car to jump start, but my battery killed his and we had two dead cars. This was a small simple thing but it sent me into my shell and I shut down for 2 days.
March 2012- medication is working (sort of). Mentally things are good but physically I’m all out of whack. I’m stuck in a catch-22. I’m barely eating (no appetite) so I have no energy. I can’t wake up in the morning and end up sleeping most of the day. When I do get up, I feel exhausted and am drowsy. When I try to sleep at night, I only get an hour or two of sleep before I’m wide awake staring at the ceiling for an hour or two before I fall asleep again and the cycle repeats until morning. The only good thing to come from the side effects is that I begin to lose weight (12 pounds, down to 163), not the diet I was hoping for.
April 2012- doctor increased my medication and changed when I take it. Now instead of in the morning it’s after dinner so hopefully it will make me drowsy at night and awake during the day. We also add a second drug, this one in the morning to help me wake up. Oh joy, more meds and more side effects.
May 2012- could this be too good to be true? Sleeping and eating habits have normalized. Weight loss seems to have stopped and held steady at 157 (the weight I was when I met my husband 11 years ago). Mental outlook good but sometimes vacant (which helped when Guests were yelling at me at the Tour Desk). Had some mixed blessings; a transfer to the Studios (yay!) but Chris had to go on a business trip for 4 weeks. Luckily my training would distract me.
June 2012- had friends visit over the weekend during Gay Days. Felt good and had fun. When they headed home, I missed them. On top of that, miserable rainy weather all week (I would not survive in Seattle). I feel like I reverted to my old ways of a few months ago; loss of appetite, insomnia at night/sleep all day, 3 days of being in my pajamas, hygiene has gone out the window. Chris gets tension migraines and back aches from stressing out about me and that just makes me more upset. I need sunshine. I need to get out of this funk. I need to get out of my cave.
August 2012- the week leading up to Dad’s birthday, I get myself stressing over how I’ll be on his birthday. Called in sick a few days, but was actually fine on the day of his birthday. For the most part, not so bad, occasional bouts of tiredness.
September 2012-called in to work quite a bit. Tiredness getting out of hand. Had a change in work location and Chris noticed a big improvement. Had a bit of a dip at the end of the month. Dad & Mom’s wedding anniversary followed exactly a week later by Billy’s birthday. Called in so much (with no available sick time left), some paychecks are small or nonexistent. Negative balance in my checking account, hubby trying to support us and pay bills with just his paycheck. Next month is the 10 year anniversary of our commitment ceremony and we are getting legally married in New York. With my lack of income, we keep scaling things down; pretty soon it will be White Castle burgers and a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Oh and Mom called to say that she is putting my childhood home up to sell, so while I’m in NY, I’ll have to go through stuff in the attic and basement so I can schlep it all back down to Florida or put it in storage. More stress, more withdrawing. Just wish the was a pause button for Life or better yet, rewind.

(Ramble ramble ramble) just needed to put down some of the thoughts in my head.